Tricounty News

My boyfriend, Johnny

My boyfriend's back.

I should've expected it, what with the change of seasons. Cold weather brings him into town and he appears out of necessity. My husband works 9 to 5 and, quite frankly, when the temperatures drop, I need something to keep me warm during the long, chilly days. I suppose I could turn up the heat, but that would be too easy. I've never been one to take the easy route.

I met Johnny years ago. We were off and on at first Ð I guess we still pretty much are. In the beginning, I wasn't in the habit of having him around every day. As time went on, things got comfortable. I suppose you could say I came to rely on him. He became a fixture in my life. Guys will do that to you if you aren't careful.

There are lots of good things I could say about Johnny, but his defining trait involves the fact that he's never afraid Ð or too busy Ð to cuddle. He'll spend his entire day next to me, close enough to keep me cozy. He doesn't snore, hog the covers and never ever demands to hold the remote. He warms me up, when I need it and wicks away moisture when I break out in a sweat. He's a regular miracle, my Johnny.

He's not the sort of boyfriend you might imagine Ð one with a head and torso and all. He's more like a virtual boyfriend, with slim, tapered and muscular legs Ð well, they would be if my Johnny had any real muscles. His are made out of things like Spandex and Lycra. They enable him to be an exceptional hugger Ð not too tight, not to loose. Like the baby bear's porridge, Johnny is just right.

He's helpful without being ostentatious or flamboyant. Practically no one is aware he's even around. Let's just say Johnny knows how to be there without being obvious about it, almost like he's working undercover.

That's how I like things. I don't go around boasting or bragging about having a boyfriend. Usually. Except when I'm talking about my Johnny long john. He's worth his weight in gold, or at least in advanced-performance water-resistant, antimicrobial, anti-pilling, poly-spandex, dry-wicking, microfiber fabric Ð which is exactly what he's made of.

My husband has been completely understanding about my relationship with Johnny. He isn't the least bit threatened and hasn't displayed a speck of jealousy or anger. He appreciates my need to stay warm during the cold winter months and understands my infatuation with long johns. That's the man I married. He's loving, giving and kind. He's just not Johnny.

Thank goodness.

Oh sure, my Johnny is great at keeping me warm, but beyond that, he's not much more than a pile of polyester. Johnny is a uni-tasker, and he'll never amount to anything more. For this reason, ours is a relationship of convenience Ð always has been, always will be.

When it comes right down to it, I need a real man. Someone who wears his own clothes, and not only has two feet, but is capable of standing up on them on his own. I need a guy who snores occasionally, sometimes hogs the covers, has a habit of holding the remote control and is never, ever too busy to kiss me goodnight. That pretty much fits my husband to a tee. What can I say? Between him and Johnny, I have the best of both worlds.

I am one lucky (not to mention warm) gal.

Jill Pertler is a syndicated columnist and author of "The Do-It-Yourselfer's Guide to Self-Syndication." E-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. ; Follow Slices of Life on Facebook, or check out her website at