Tricounty News

What would Roger do?

We all know a Roger. Roger is the guy who has done it all, seen it all and been it all. The Roger you know has claimed to have adventures, which make the ones James Bond and Indiana Jones experience appear quite boring. The Roger I know is a friend of a friend of mine and this Roger may possibly be the king of all Rogers!

On occasion, Roger and I attend the same social functions, and each time we seem to end up visiting in the same group of people. And if anyone happens to mention anything other than mundane morsels of polite conversation, Roger cannot resist "one upping" the person's story with a more spectacular one.

For instance, after a dinner party, several of the men folk decided to retreat to the patio for cigars and Roger joined us. As we puffed on our stogies, one of the guys mentioned how he had recently returned from a trip to Cancun where he had spent an entire day adventuring through the ruins of a Mayan city. No sooner had he finished his account of the trip than Roger had to top the story with an even more interesting one.

"One time I was in a Guatemalan jungle with an elite team of commandos," said Roger casually as he took a puff from his cigar, "I found an entire lost civilization of Mayans. They thought I was a god and wanted to sacrifice a maiden to me. I convinced them not to, though."

"Roger, weren't you a computer repairman in the Army," I asked, "Why would you be in a Guatemalan jungle with commandos?"

Roger choked on cigar smoke as he now remembered that he had told me previously of his actual occupation while in the Army. "Well uh ... I can't actually tell you what I was doing there because it was a top-secret mission."

At another gathering Roger was sitting across from me when I had mentioned to someone within Roger's earshot that I had just purchased a new laptop computer. Not to be outdone Roger immediately announced to the entire table that he had gotten his new laptop from Microsoft's Bill Gates himself and that the software on it was so advanced it would not be released for another three years.

When asked why Bill Gates would give Roger a computer, his response was that many years ago, when Gates was struggling to develop his company, Roger had convinced Gates that his choice of Microsquishy would not be a very marketable name and recommended he change it to Microsoft ... and that he also might want to consider adding a thesaurus option to its squishywear package. Roger revealed that Gates was so grateful for his advice that every once in a while the billionaire sends Roger a little token of his appreciation like a basket of fruit or a state-of-the-art super laptop.

Over the years I have begun to look forward to tales of Roger's many adventures and accomplishments. If someone built a house, Roger built a castle. If a hunter bagged a six-point buck Roger shot one with a rack so big it took two deer to walk alongside the buck just to help support its massive antlers.

Roger always catches the biggest fish, dates the prettiest women, eats in the finest restaurants, travels to the coolest places, knows the most famous people, all while never seeming to leave his apartment in his mom's basement.

Roger's grasp of reality might be a little loose, but he always makes even the dullest social function much more entertaining (Editors Note: No Rogers were harmed in the making of this column). © 2009, N.M. Fredrickson, All Rights Reserved.