Tricounty News

Miracle in a bottle

Attention all consumers who are troubled by the hazards of everyday life: If you sneeze on occasion, stumble on the stairs, experience halitosis, gastrointestinal upset, acne, headaches or hangnails, if you misplace your car keys, shiver when chilly, sweat when overheated or find yourself tired at the end of the day, we have good news for you.

If you’ve ever wondered whether you are doing all you’re supposed to be doing, wonder no more. If you are searching for answers, we have them.

They can be found in an ordinary bottle containing the anything but ordinary, brand new, improved, never before released, revolutionary medi-miri pill. And you, dear consumer, are a prime candidate for the cure.

Easy to take, the medi-miri pill annihilates all ills, including but not limited to: indigestion, obsession, unexplained aggression, hair recession, digression and excess food ingestion. If you experience discomfort, restlessness, boredom, inability to sleep or inability to wake, call now for a free trial. Pay only shipping, handling, processing, packaging and other assorted tack-on charges too numerous to list here. We’ll mail a bottle to your address today and you’ll be free to enjoy the life you always thought possible, but never believed attainable. All because of a little pill – a miracle in a bottle.

Call now. Dial 1-800-Good-Drug, or text “Get me the good drug” from any smartphone. Operators are standing by.

But wait. Call within the next 18 minutes and we’ll double the offer. You’ll receive not one, but two bottles of the medi-miri pill. That’s twice the happiness, twice the joy and twice the symptoms for one simple price. You’ve got nothing to lose (except flatulence, flabby thighs, forgetfulness, irritating feminine issues, frustrating male symptoms and other familiar afflictions too embarrassing to mention).

We work closely with doctors and health insurance companies to ensure you get well and we get paid, not necessarily in that order. Leave the billing to us.

As with any medication, it is important to follow dosage instructions exactly as directed. Swallow whole. Do not chew or mouth sores may occur. Take with at least eight ounces of water to decrease likelihood of stomach upset. Do not take within three hours of ingesting any food, especially peanut butter, oysters and gummy worms, as life-threatening allergies have been known to develop.

Common side effects include weight gain, insomnia, impotence, dry mouth, diarrhea, toe jam, headaches, fatigue and any other symptoms you aren’t currently experiencing. The medi-miri pill only addresses current symptoms. Ailments created by the medi-miri pill require further medical evaluation and a second medication to alleviate the side effects of the first (currently in production, available next month, tentatively called the medi-miri 2).

If you experience blurred vision, and are unable to read the fine print on the medi-miri pill bottle, make an appointment to see your optometrist. It might be time to purchase a new set of bifocals.

Serious side effects are rare but can include flatulence, paranoia, amnesia, difficulty breathing and paralysis of the extremities. On radically rare occasions cessation of heartbeat has occurred.

If you or someone you know who is taking the medi-miri pill ceases to breathe or experiences cardiac arrest, terminate use and seek medical attention immediately. Failure to do so may result in death.

But, at least you can rest assured it will be a symptom-free affair.

Call today!

Follow Slices of Life on Facebook and hit Like (please). Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, playwright and author of “The Do-It-Yourselfer’s Guide to Self-Syndication” E-mail her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. ; or visit her website at http://marketing<br< a="">> -by-design.home.mchsi.com/.